Isn’t it obvious? Apparently not, given our current state of affairs.

When I started my Army journey back in 1984 one of my first leaders was a Vietnam veteran and “crusty” senior non-commissioned officer. In many ways he was as you might imagine the person, especially if your only frame of reference for such people is through movies and/or books. But, he was far more nuanced, and after you got to know him you felt more comfortable in his presence, and trusted that he had everyone’s best interests at heart.

How did he do that? Through word and deed, simple things, every day, and no mismatch between the two. He had a saying that always stuck with me, “It’s hard but it’s fair.” That short phrase really hit home, and never left me. You can apply it to many things, but I have always associated it with life. Each one of us is facing unique but similar challenges in every moment. Seldom are these situations fully known to one another, especially for those of us who are more opaque to those around us.

So why be civil (other than it’s always the right thing to do)? Because at any moment the person seated across from you on the subway, the worker at the checkout counter, your neighbor, your friend, your partner may be in pain, in crisis, but very likely not in your same headspace. When we recognize this and strive to be outward-focused and armed with kindness and compassion, we don’t add a rock to that person’s rucksack, and we may even lighten their load, if only for that moment.

So while life may at time’s be hard, let’s all try to make it fair too, and do our best to ensure we aren’t the problem. I have found this to be a process and one in which I constantly come up short. But, when I do stop and listen, make the effort to connect meaningfully, or simply say “thank you” or hold a door, at least I know I’m not adding to someone else’s burden.